Nighty-night

Is it only me, or do other women my age who have been married for an eternity think  there comes a time in one’s marriage when each spouse should have their own room? I mean, I love my husband with all my heart, but we keep each other awake. I get up to pee, then he gets up, then I get up again, then he gets up again. He snores, I snore…and I’m not even going to mention other sounds of the night which make me want to hit him someone. He has acid reflux and has to get up and take something. It’s getting to the point where some nights I feel as if I haven’t had even a two-hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep. Gaaaah!

The sleeping part doesn’t even take into account the bathroom issues. Men are disgusting pigs, plain and simple. If I didn’t love him so much, I would have killed him years ago. I want my own bathroom with my own toilet…which stays clean for a week. Seriously, if I were to ever build a house, I would design a master bathroom with two separate water closets…one for the pig and one for the princess. My throne would remain pristine. He would clean his own sty. Or not…his choice.

When the husband is away on a trip, I sleep like a baby. I stay up as late or go to bed as early as I wish without anyone getting his nose out of joint, and I sleep until I’m ready to get up. I want to be able to do this every single night (with visiting privileges, of course) and not feel guilty, or have people think that my marriage is falling apart. I actually believe that this one simple act would help me make it to our golden years together.

So, what is the consensus? Am I a selfish spoiled brat who only wants what’s best for me? Or am I due this little courtesy after putting in 38 years of hard labor? Is it better to be a sleep-deprived grouch, or a rested and “friendly” wifey? And, most importantly, how do I broach the subject?

8 thoughts on “Nighty-night

  1. As one who has already made the move, you are not a selfish pig. (Otherwise, I would be one too, and we’ll have none of that.) After 32 years together, we finally figured out that we sleep better apart. Does it mean we’re not still intimate? No. Why do people think you are supposed to cuddle all night? I mean who cuddles all night after 30 years? It’s not about intimacy. It’s about sleeping. I’ve heard that half of married couple sleep apart after age 50 (don’t know where I heard it). There was a little resistance at our house when it first came up. But then, he just said, you sleep better alone, just do it.

    Ironically, because of perimenopause, I ain’t sleeping so great. But at least I’m not waking him up when I get up at 1:30 and going back to bed at 3:30, right?

    Now having my own bathroom? Wow! What a concept! Now, where can I put one . . . ?

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    • Ruthie, you’re the one who inspired me to write this. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, but don’t know where to start without feelings getting hurt. I acually have a couple of friends who have separate bedrooms and their marriages are still strong and loving. I’m not a good discussion intiator, though, so I’m not sure how to start this one. We certainly don’t cuddle. I am not the cuddling type…not when I’m ready to sleep. And we have a king size bed, so it’s almost like sleeping in separate beds, but with all the noise still. Bleh. Why can’t I just come out with it.

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  2. This made me laugh. My North Dakotan grandma used to say of people like you that ‘they call a spade a bloody shovel’.
    Now I’m really not qualified to give you any advice on the topic, but that’s not going to stop me commenting. The longest I was married was 19 years and at that point I still slept pretty much like a baby, but our habits were very different. I went to bed late, liked to read with the light ON, and he would get up very early in the morning. He never said that my reading bothered him, but I do wonder. And seeing as how we’re pretty anonymous here (although I do think I know that Ruth person from somewhere…) I’ll also say that if we had slept in separate rooms, it wouldn’t have had much of an effect on our s** life, which had pretty much been dispensed with.

    However, this is not the point. I don’t think it’s a selfish idea. It’s a wee bit sad that couples get to that point, though, and MFB has been quite vocal with his views that a night spent apart is a little bit like the beginning of a wedge. BUT, if you’re just not sleeping well, and you already sleep with PJs on, then there’s really no big advantage to being in the same bed, is there? I don’t see it worth consistently sacrificing a decent night’s sleep for the sake of appearance. I mean, my marriage foundered partly because we began to lead separate lives more and more, despite sleeping together.
    I vote for a good night’s sleep!! But I don’t mind sharing a bathroom, since the piggish stuff is kept to a minimum.

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    • Deb, I’m assuming that your G-ma’s saying means I’m very plain-spoken? Oh, if only I could be that way in real life. Half the time my tongue is bloody from biting it to hold back what I would REALLY love to say. But then that would mean that I’m bitchy and snarky and a smartass. Oh yeah, I sorta am all those things. 😉

      Your advice was very helpful and I still haven’t come to any conclusion as to what I should do. So, I suppose things will continue as they are. He really doesn’t seem to mind if I spend the occasional night in another room, and that’s what I’m going to do.

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  3. Maybe it was my Welsh grandma who said that, come to think of it. Well, one of them did, and it means exactly what you thought. Calling a spade a spade, is what you do, in print, at least. And I know EXACTLY what you mean about biting your tongue…

    Your bitchy, smartass, snarky-ness is a big part of why I like you. But your good-heartedness is too.

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  4. Well, I’ve only been married (almost) 12 years and for the last 2 months hubby & I have been sleeping apart due to my pregnancy induced snoring. I admit I miss the intimacy of waking up with him in the morning, but sometimes if I wake up early I sneak into bed 😉 Often as soon as I fall asleep my snoring wakes him up. I’m better than an alarm clock!
    So, I’d totally agree with two bathrooms, but I’m not sure about the bed.

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  5. I think a good night’s rest trumps everything. I bet your tongue would be less bloody during the day as a result. I’m convinced that the secret to our marriage is that my husband is on the road frequently for work and I travel often, mostly to visit our daughter in school.

    When we stay at my in-laws during the holidays, we always get the room with the twin beds, a la Lucy and Ricky. We always start out together for a spell and then the last one in bed (usually me) goes to their own nest. Both of us need some serious cuddling before we fall asleep.

    I bet you’ll know how to broach the subject just so. With your humor, you will find a way. You are not a selfish brat – at all.

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  6. Hey, nice to see you’re back in the blogging world!

    I recently went to my hubby in tears because I hadn’t slept well for weeks. Partly menopause induced symptoms were keeping me awake. My husband goes to bed much earlier than I do and gets up much earlier as well. I’m a total night owl. I like to go to bed and read, but can’t do that cause I’ll disturb him. So the solution was for me to sleep in our guest room (which is also my office) for a few nights to get my sleep schedule back on track. Now this is what I do when I get sleep deprived. Ever since I read Julia Child’s book “My Life in France,” I’ve changed my thoughts on separate bedrooms. She and Paul had separate rooms most of their married life and they were totally in love. It could actually improve a marriage if both people are well rested. After a good night’s sleep I know I’m a much better person to be around. So my answer would be, no, I don’t think you are a spoiled brat at all! Once you get to the breaking point like I did, I’m sure the discussion with your hubby will come as a next step. Sleep is good!

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